Monday, March 2, 2009

Rules For Life

I know I've been very awol. On writing, too. I don't know what's wrong with me other than my house being inside out right now with the remodel. I have some ideas, but can't seem to get past the irritation over my last attempt. If I could just get a little alone time, maybe I could jump back in there. But I don't have any of that, and I have a hard time concentrating with chaos around me. I need to...I need to...I need to!!!! I feel so much better when I'm writing. Tonight I think I'm just gonna grab a pen and a notebook and mess around a little. That way the computer can't intimidate me and I won't give up and go surfing!

In the meantime, I thought these Rules For Life were funny.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


DebraLSchubert said...

Sharla, Welcome back! Some of these are great. I especially like #21. I'm with you on the lack of chaos when writing. When I write I need quiet and I prefer to be alone. You need to figure out a way to get some alone time on a regular basis. That would transform your writing and you deserve it!

Janna Qualman said...

Hi, Sharla! Don't feel bad - everybody goes through these slumps. I've been attributing mine to end-of-winter blahs.

Love the list! Very funneh.

Melissa Marsh said...

I'm the same way - I feel so much better when I'm writing. Slumps are no fun, but you'll get through it and emerge with more energy!

Rebecca Nazar said...

Great list. I'm particularly fond #30 and #31. Good luck with your writing.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Excellent advice in #31. Hope you get some quiet Me time soon. Any chance of escaping for a weekend?